


Magical Winter Getaway

by BlackVelvet42



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: 25YearsOfVoyager, Away Mission Gone Bad, F/M, Fluff and Smut, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, Porn with Feelings, Resolved Sexual Tension, Romance, Shameless Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-25
Updated: 2020-01-16
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:42:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,963
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21954574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlackVelvet42/pseuds/BlackVelvet42
Summary: "How are you feeling?""Better. Good. Amazing. I wanna stay here forever."
Relationships: Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway
Comments: 85
Kudos: 196
Collections: 25 Days of Voyager (2019)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you, Caladenia, for the beta and the pearls of wisdom, once again. 
> 
> This is my 50th fic. Considering I never meant to write more than one, this milestone feels like a miracle. Another miracle is the fandom I found after posting that first story. Thank you, everyone. It’s been a wonderful three years.

* * *

The arctic winds whipped her face, sucking the air from her lungs and the warmth from beneath her clothes. She raised her chin to scan ahead, but the icy gust made her eyes water, freezing the tears to her lashes and cheeks.

She had no idea how far they’d gotten from the shuttle. A few dozen meters, or over a kilometer. The tricorder had indicated a structure - a shelter, they hoped - at a reachable distance, but the blizzard howling around them made sure every step felt like a hundred. Instead of relenting, the winds appeared to be picking up speed and force, the snowfall dropping visibility to zero.

Her knees gave out again, her feet too heavy to lift from the sinking snow. For a fleeting moment, staying right there and burying herself in the snow seemed like a rational option to weather the storm, but as soon as the thought had formed, an arm curled tight around her waist and pulled her back up, giving her no chance for defeat.

The pain that had dulled from the cold shot through her shoulder and back at the sudden movement and she winced, grunted, her vision blurring and closing in.

_We’re not going to make it._

Before the bright white faded into darkness, strong arms lifted her up and pressed her against a safe, solid chest, a firm promise rumbling low in her ear.

“Hold on, Kathryn. We’re almost there.”

∞

Her consciousness surfaced when she was placed down somewhere soft. The air was still, her breath steaming in the cold, the storm now raging further away. Numb and disoriented, shivering violently, she vaguely registered the stone fireplace nearby and the rough wooden walls around it.

Sure hands turned her to her side and she cried out at the surge of pain, tensing but unable to stop the unwanted motion. The wild beat of her heart echoed in her ears along with her quick, shallow breaths.

“Try to hold still. I have to examine your wound.”

Hovering on the brink of fainting again, his words were a blur, but the loud tearing of fabric and the rush of sub-zero air to her back sharpened her focus.

“You have a dislocated shoulder and the cut on your back is deeper than I thought. You’ve lost a lot of blood, Kathryn, and you’re still bleeding.”

His fingers moved on her skin as he spoke, an edge of worry creeping into his soft voice.

_I’m not going to make it._

“I’m sorry we don’t have the proper equipment to treat these.”

A tentative pressure and pull, estimating the right angle to manipulate her shoulder back to place evoked a weak, pitiful sound from her throat. Her world dissolving into nothingness, she thought she felt a kiss in her hair.

“I got this, Kathryn. See you later.”

She passed out before the cry left her lips.

∞

The return to reality was gradual, almost pleasant. 

Opening her eyes, the first thing she saw was a fire crackling in the fireplace, radiating a heavenly warmth for her still freezing body. She was tucked under several blankets, lying on her side, her arm tightly secured to her torso with strips of some fabric, keeping her injured shoulder from moving. The pain had faded into the background as if behind a fog; definitely there, but remote enough for her to ignore the sensation. In addition, her mind appeared to be wrapped in a pink cotton cloud so light and sweet she wanted to giggle.

She was about to sit up when a door somewhere near opened, allowing inside a gush of chilling air and someone with heavy steps and a delightfully commanding attitude.

“Oh, no. No, no. You’re not getting up anytime soon, Kathryn.”

He pressed her back down and she complied, glancing at her first officer from beneath her lashes. Had he always been so handsome or was it just the snow in his tousled hair and the bite of cold on his cheeks that made him look like such a snack? She smiled and tried to reach out to touch him but froze in her tracks at the arrow of pain piercing through her velvet haze.

“Like I said. You need to stay still. We don’t want that shoulder to come out again. How are you feeling?”

He leaned close and lifted the blanket to check her back. The pain already forgotten, she sighed and relaxed under his gentle examination. The fact that she wasn’t wearing her jacket or bra anymore tickled her imagination. Appearing in front of her first officer with only a torn undershirt covering her breasts was deliciously inappropriate.

Mmm, he smelled good. Like ice and smoke and sweat and wood.

“Better. Good. Amazing. I wanna stay here forever.”

Talking was surprisingly difficult and the words came out a bit slurred, but he didn’t seem concerned.

A familiar chuckle rose from deep within him, the sound vibrating throughout her body. The man’s voice was exquisite. Like dark honey. Sweet, warm honey dripping all over her skin, coating every millimeter with a promise of bliss.

He took her by the chin and studied her face, his obsidian eyes boring into her core. Obsidian… or chocolate. Or coffee. Black. Oh, what she would give for a cup of coffee right now. Served with a pair of dimples. 

At that thought, she did giggle. Why was he so serious?

“Kathryn, listen to me for a minute. I’ll let you sleep after this.”

_Only if you sleep with me, gorgeous._

“I managed to fix your shoulder, but you can’t move it until we’re back on Voyager and the Doctor has treated you. I also stitched the cut on your back. It’s not much to look at, but it stopped the bleeding. And the reason you’re not experiencing any pain is because of a medicine I found among some emergency supplies. The tricorder analyzed the chemical composition as an opioid derivative, so if you’re sensing something out of the ordinary, don’t worry.”

_I wouldn’t mind sensing your hands on me again._

“It’s good to see you’re feeling better. We’re going to be okay. The readings were right, this is a habitable cabin, it just needs some warming. Rest now. I’ll be outside chopping more firewood.”

_Chopping firewood? Ooh, come fill my honeypot, you stud!_

A smile tugged at the corner of his mouth, his eyes sparkling with amusement.

“Sleep, Kathryn. You need to gather your strength. I’ll check on you again soon.”

As her last thought – besides picturing herself dipping her tongue into his coffee-filled dimples – she wondered if she hadn’t by any chance spoken her inner monologue out loud.

∞

She slept without dreaming and woke up with a clearer head. The fire in front of her welcomed her back, into the peculiar bubble where they remained, set aside from reality a little while longer. Under the blankets, she felt warm and rested in a way she hadn’t been in years. The aches in her body still pulsed with every heartbeat, but overall, if she didn’t move, she was quite comfortable.

The storm outside sounded a bit calmer and from somewhere behind her, she could hear Chakotay moving about. Judging by the faint smell of food, he was preparing something to eat and while she couldn’t figure out where he had managed to find anything edible in this frozen wilderness, her stomach growled in response to the delicious scents anyway.

After drifting in and out of consciousness, she had trouble estimating how long they’d been on the planet, but she sure was hungry. She didn’t want to disturb Chakotay, though. While she was blacked out, he’d probably been busy non-stop, making sure they were safe until rescue came. With nothing but time, she gazed around the room, letting her thoughts roam freely. 

They’d had more than their fair share of luck during their travel through the Delta Quadrant. Finding shelter in the deadly blizzard was another addition to that list, but without Chakotay, she wouldn’t have made it even half-way. Yet there she was, alive and well, and regarding the surroundings from her resting place, he’d done much more than ensure their survival. He’d made the primitive cabin feel like something resembling a home.

She sighed and stared back into the fire, a wave of gratitude filling her chest. 

The man had proven to be a wonder in many ways over the years. As an officer, as a friend, as someone who supported her and challenged her in equal measure exactly how and when she most needed. Maybe the fact that he could create this comfort out of thin air was just an extension of his abilities. Or, as the voice at the back of her mind whispered before she could silence it, maybe this was what she needed to make her feel like home. A bed, a hearth, and this man taking care of her.

“Good morning, sleepyhead,” Chakotay greeted, setting down the firewood he carried. “How are you? Hungry?”

He kneeled by her side to check the wound on her back, his fingers brushing her bare skin with a familiarity and confidence that made her shiver.

“Starving. Is this real food I’m smelling?”

He couldn’t quite hide his smirk, obviously very pleased with himself.

“As a matter of fact, yes. Turned out the owners of this place kept some emergency rations in store. Dried roots and bread of a sort, along with some spices and other ingredients, and since there’s not much to do at the moment…”

He bent down to add wood to the flames, his wide shoulders and broad back temporarily stealing her attention.

“So, you decided you might as well arrange us a little magical winter getaway?” she teased, the chuckle from him warming her more than any fire. 

Being alone with him had always been easy, but now she was struck with the sense of closeness extending far past duty or even friendship. How was it possible she had never told him how much he meant to her? 

He turned back to her looking so open and honest, so content just being with her, that the words flowed from her lips without hesitation.

“Thank you, Chakotay. So much. For everything.”

He smiled and sat on the edge of the bed.

“It wasn’t anything special. You were hurt. I carried you inside, refreshed my first aid skills, and tucked you in,” he said, then added, “and gave you some happy pills.”

Out of habit, she flashed him a disapproving glare to wipe the grin off his face but then realized she didn’t actually care. If he found her drugged ramblings entertaining, they no doubt were, and whatever truths she might have slipped, she couldn’t begin to regret them. Their feelings for each other were as good as common knowledge anyway. 

“I didn’t mean only that, but all of this,” she nodded to their surroundings, ignoring his remark. “And on Voyager too. Wherever you go, you seem to bring everything to light. Your presence alone makes our journey feel less like survival and more like… a life worth living.”

His expression shifted from surprise to delight to worry within seconds. He leaned in to feel her forehead and neck as if suspecting she would have a fever to talk like this.

“I’m fine, really. Or, as fine as can be expected, all things considered.”

On an impulse, she turned her head and nuzzled her cheek against his palm.

“Come lie down with me, Chakotay. There’s plenty of room for both of us and you could use some rest yourself.”

Seeing him tug at his ear and glance downward was endearing, so _him_. She could almost hear his hesitation and the hundreds of reasons why her suggestion was a poor idea. 

He was probably right, too.

“Kathryn, I’m sorry, but I don’t think that’s wise. Not that long ago, we agreed not to complicate things while onboard Voyager, and this definitely feels like a complication.”

Maybe it was the distance from their everyday responsibilities or the remains of the drugs coursing in her veins, but the temptation to tease him was too great to resist. 

She batted her lashes without a drop of innocence.

“Perhaps it’s time to make a new agreement then. Besides, we’re not exactly onboard Voyager, are we?”

She watched his eyes widen and his Adam’s apple bob, then she burst into laughter.

“Come on, Chakotay! How much do you think will happen with fresh stitches on my back and my arm in a bandage?”

To his credit, he caught up with her mood in a matter of seconds, raising a brow as if she had presented him a dare. With a playful, if not also a slightly dangerous, glimmer emerging in his eyes, he laid his hand on her ankle.

“Oh, I don’t know about that. I can imagine plenty of ways to spend time under those covers with you, none of which will require you to move and all guaranteed to complicate things.”

Even through the layers of blankets, his touch trailing up her leg electrified her senses and brought a blush to her cheeks. Until this day, his flirting had been polite, tame. Harmless. This caress had trouble written all over it.

“Is that so? Well then, please don’t keep the lady waiting,” she urged, too curious to back away. 

The bed sank beneath his weight behind her and his arm slid around her waist, cautious of her injuries but daring, nonetheless. Crossing all the barriers set between them as if they had never existed.

His breath was warm in her hair, his scent filling her senses and sending her pulse racing. She leaned back into his embrace, drawing in a shivering sigh at the sheer pleasure of feeling his strong, solid body pressed to hers.

To hell with it. She could always blame the alien drugs later.

* * *


	2. Chapter 2

* * *

Back onboard Voyager, there was blame all right.

She didn’t blame the alien drugs, though. Even in the throes of regret, she was honest enough to admit the events had nothing to do with the medicine Chakotay had given her. From the moment she had woken up feeling all fluffy and domestic, diving headfirst to some not-so-subtle flirting, she had been as sober as a saint. As sober as Chakotay. Not that he had been a saint, oh no, quite the opposite. That wicked man and his wicked hands had seized the opportunity for all it was worth. Yet she couldn’t go and blame him either. Everything that had happened and all the consequences that followed was on her and her alone.

Their visit to sickbay on their return had been the fastest ever. Partly because their injuries were easily treated, but mostly because she had even less interest in staying there than usual. The risk that the scans would reveal information she rather kept hidden - elevated hormone levels, increased blood flow - leading to questions she had no intention of answering, was too great. All the while the dermal regenerator hummed, she avoided eye contact with both Chakotay and the Doctor, and once cleared, she stretched the arm now fully healed, thanked the EMH, and left.

But if she had thought they could simply slip back to their everyday routines and forget their experiences on the planet, she couldn’t have been more wrong.

The wide smirk that greeted them at the helm as they entered the bridge was only the first sign. Knowing how Tom’s vivid imagination could take off with very little incentive, his reaction wasn’t really a surprise. What she didn’t expect, however, were all the whispers and sideways glances in her direction whenever she stepped into a room or walked past people in the corridors. A few days later, her suspicions were confirmed as Tuvok made it his duty to inform her about the surge in gossip after their away mission and the revival of the nearly dead betting pool she wished she had never heard of to begin with.

Apparently, the young ensign on transporter room duty that day had been chatting with her good friend Jenny Delaney – in strict confidence, of course – after which the news had spread throughout the ship with warp speed. News that the captain and the commander had been rescued from a deserted cabin, surrounded by extreme arctic conditions, and without emergency backpacks, but instead of suffering from hypothermia or life-threatening injuries, rumor had it they’d been found in good health, cheeks rosy and eyes shining as if they’d been on a winter wonder vacation, rather than surviving a serious shuttle crash on an alien planet. As a cherry on top, the captain, wearing nothing but a torn undershirt, had been carried to sickbay in the protecting arms of the first officer.

She rolled her eyes. The story sure had grown juicy. She’d always known Voyager was too small to keep any kind of secrets for long, but the extent to which the crew gossiped about their commanding officers’ love lives was just ridiculous. Grown men and women. Didn’t they have anything better to do?

As if that wasn’t enough, her own mind haunted her without mercy.

All too clearly, she remembered the weight and feel of Chakotay’s hand curling around her waist, the soft and steady travel across her bare skin, his fingers splaying on her belly as if they were there to stay. She remembered his hitching breath and her own low groan of delight, his lips nearing but never touching her neck, her behind shamelessly pushing against his groin and the proof of his enjoyment. Who was that woman?

Recollections of New Earth came without asking.

For a short while, that paradise had been their home, the future theirs to shape however they pleased, but despite all that freedom, they had decided to take things slow and enjoy the gradual progress to intimacy. Even though nothing more had happened than a chaste kiss after equally chaste hand-holding, recovering from that bliss had been torture. The pain of long-awaited happiness slipping through her fingers had lingered for months, and she knew Chakotay’s hurt ran as deep as hers, only better hidden. Knowing all this, how in the hell hadn’t either of them found the tiniest drop of common sense needed to stop what they’d been doing in that cabin?

And while she was stressing over the irrevocable damage their reckless little cuddling might have caused, what was Chakotay doing?

Nothing.

At least on the surface, nothing in his actions indicated anything significant or out of the ordinary had taken place. Every morning, he came to the bridge looking well-rested, shaved and showered, his usual self. He checked the reports from night shift and gave out his orders, precise and efficient as always. And sipped on his tea like a star could go supernova in front of him and he wouldn’t even blink. 

Maybe this should have put her worries to ease, but instead, his relaxed demeanor only irritated her. She meant to bring up her concerns logically and calmly like any level-headed adult, but in the end it took only a simple ‘Good morning’ from him in the lift, much too cheerful for her pre-coffee mood, and she blew. 

“Don’t you think it’s time we talked about this?” she asked as the doors behind him closed, her tone sharper than was probably reasonable. For a split second, he had the audacity to look surprised.

“That would depend on what is ‘this’ you feel needs discussing,” he replied, glancing at her briefly. He returned his attention to the wall, his expression too composed for her liking.

“Computer, halt lift,” she snapped and turned to him. “This is exactly what I meant when we agreed nothing could ever happen on board Voyager. Why we have to keep a professional distance at all times.”

“I still don’t see the problem.”

She stared at his profile, her anger billowing. 

“I’m talking about things getting awkward between us. I’m talking about the crew gossiping about us. I’m talking about the commanding officers trying to run a starship while their minds are filled with one hot moment with the first officer’s hand down the captain’s pants!”

At that, he finally did react. With a glimmer emerging in his eyes, he moved closer, forcing her to step back until she bumped into the wall. Watching her closely, he placed his hands on the wall on either side of her face, caging her in his arms.

“So that’s what’s been keeping you preoccupied the past days. I admit, it was a nice moment and your hair did smell lovely, but my hand wasn’t anywhere near… remind me where you said they were?”

The heat radiating from him threatened to melt her resolve. She pushed away the arm blocking her, and he retreated, smiling with full dimples.

Whatever she had expected to achieve with their discussion, they were far from it.

“I’m sorry to hear you regret our time on the planet, Kathryn, but after everything we’ve been through, I didn’t think a little closeness would change anything.” Her glare dampened his grin only a bit. “Look. This just doesn’t bother me. At all. We’re adults and it’s not like we haven’t been in this situation before. We managed to move on after New Earth, and a few hours in a snowstorm hardly compares, does it.”

Mentioning New Earth was a low blow that rendered her speechless. No, a few hours didn’t compare, he was right about that. Then again, realizing that the attraction between them hadn’t lessened at all since New Earth, but grown ten times stronger and deeper, made the years ahead appear even more daunting. To him, knowledge of that chemistry seemed to bring solace and a peaceful heart, maybe serving as a promise of a shared future one day. But to her, witnessing first-hand how quickly the passion had sparked between them, how ready and willing they had both been to give in to the temptation at the slightest chance was terrifying.

Without his help, all her energy would go into fighting these urges. Energy she needed to get her crew home. He had once understood her reasons, surely, he would understand them again. All she had to do was explain.

So, the next day, she decided to try again, only this time in her ready room. There she would have the advantage, unlike in the confined, secluded space of a lift where all sorts of ideas had come rushing into an already heated mind. Yup, this time, she would make her point clear.

“Come in, Commander. We need to talk.”

She remained behind her desk and motioned him to sit which, to her slight annoyance, he didn’t. 

Instead, he paused in the middle of the room and raised an eyebrow. “Commander? So you want to talk about the ship’s business then? And here I was, thinking we would continue our conversation from yesterday.”

“Yes. No. I mean, the recent… incident is definitely affecting our work but since you put it like that, I guess it’s more of a personal matter.”

Why was she stumbling with her words?

“Good. I did feel our discussion was cut a bit short in the lift. I have thoughts of my own to add, if I may?”

She folded her hands on the desk and nodded for him to continue. Whatever the man had in mind, he deserved to be heard.

“Hand on your heart, Kathryn, do you honestly believe we’re the first Starfleet officers having to deal with feelings for each other? Judging by what I heard during my years in the academy, romantic feelings or sexual attraction between people serving on the same ship is more a probability than an exception. After all, Starfleet strongly encourages friendships and it’s only natural that some of those friendships will eventually develop into something stronger.”

She opened her mouth to object, but he gave her no chance to cut in.

“And before you state the obvious, of how unique our situation is and how we’re not just any officers, but the command team of a lone ship far away from home, let me tell you I don’t believe that changes anything. Not for a second. If I can just break the news right here, Kathryn, I’ve wanted you since the day we met and I’ve loved you almost as long. But I’m confident that despite those feelings, my service record on Voyager shows only the utmost professionalism.”

His voice held much less passion than she imagined it would when speaking those words, but the impact was all the same.

_He said love._

“The feelings aren’t dangerous, Kathryn, nor are they rare. I’m willing to bet my life that even young Cadet Janeway had her fair share of fantasies of high-ranking officers. Perhaps some French kissing in the lift, uniforms coming off in the heat of the Jefferies tubes, or a midnight quickie in the captain’s chair.”

“Captain’s chair? That seems uncomfortable.”

_Where the hell did that come from?_

Chakotay’s barely suppressed smirk made her want to smack him. Or herself. She wasn’t sure which.

“Since you ask, it’s called ‘reverse cowgirl’.”

_Oh._

Cheeks burning, she looked down, unable to meet his eyes as he walked to her desk.

“What I’m saying is, and I’m sorry if I sound arrogant or if I’m presuming too much, but I’m absolutely certain we’ve both had these fantasies. And still, we’ve made it through four years without any of those feelings getting in the way of our duties or complicating our professional relationship.” 

His voice was softer, sincere in his attempt to make her see his point of view. 

“So maybe we strayed a little from our agreement last week, but that was a mutual decision and certainly not the end of the world. I hope you’re not beating yourself up too badly, cause I’m certainly not.”

Everything he was saying whirled in her head, her whole body pulsing with too many emotions to handle at once.

“I don’t…“ she began, but had no idea how to complete the sentence. She needed time to think.

“What? You don’t fantasize about me?”

His lips curled, his dimples emerged, his dark eyes measuring her from head to her tightly folded hands, his intensity heating her to the core.

“Are you telling me that all the late nights we’ve sat at this desk, you’ve never once wondered how fast we could sweep everything off the surface and rid ourselves of all clothes? That you’ve never considered how much noise would we make? If you or I would be the louder one? Whether the desk could take all that pounding or if it would break under us so we would have to continue on the floor, or on the couch where I would carry you with your thighs wide around my hips?” He pressed his palms flat on the surface and leaned close to her. “No? Just me?”

Heart hammering, she closed her gaping mouth and moved her hands off the desk as if it suddenly burned her. 

He straightened his back and gave her a last insolent, knowing grin. “Bullshit, Kathryn. We both know it. The worst you can do is deny your feelings, because that’s when they truly begin to control you.”

He turned to leave, but before reaching the door, he stopped once more.

“You know, maybe we should just fuck this out of our system. If you’re so concerned about how we’ll be able to control ourselves in the future, worrying when we’ll slip the next time and how much damage that will do to our leadership… let’s settle a date. We would both realize that the fantasies are way more amazing than reality and things could cool down for the rest of our journey.”

Why she didn’t dismiss him but allowed him to continue, she would never understand.

“Actually, that would solve another problem too. I’m still hoping to marry you as soon as we have Earth in sensor range, but it would be nice if our first night together wasn’t loaded with years of unrealistic expectations of sex so glorious it rips apart the entire galaxy. Win-win, I say. Think about it, will you?”

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, there will be one more chapter;)


	3. Chapter 3

* * *

The water was warm, soothing. A welcome escape. Chakotay pressed a hand against the wall, closed his eyes, and sighed. Under the soft rush of the shower, enclosed in a world of his own, it was almost possible to pretend that the aches in his body were only from crawling too many Jefferies tubes or playing too many rounds of velocity. 

The distraction didn’t last long.

‘Fuck this out of our system’? What the hell was he thinking? How in the world did he convince himself – and her, for that matter – that a night together would be a solution? 

What a short-sighted, stupid ass idea.

Delusional.

The way his hands kept trembling and his mind replayed the picture of her rosy lips parting in pleasure, he wasn’t anywhere near finding equilibrium. Quite the opposite. Breathing had never required so much effort, every second burdened with the sense that he had stepped from the thrill of waiting to the agony of knowing.

He didn’t have to imagine anymore. He knew. A heaven beyond all his dreams would one day be his, one day, if they both lived to get home.

Ignorance is bliss, they say, and it is. It so… very much… is.

∞

“…Win-win, I say. Think about it, will you?”

He managed to leave the ready room with his composure intact, but as soon as the doors slid shut, the surge of adrenaline swept through him. Heart racing, palms sweaty, he strode straight across the bridge without a word to anyone, and, in the solitude of the lift, he let out a long, shaky breath.

Bits and pieces of the past hour flashed in his mind. Truths revealed, feelings confessed, his heart and soul bared for her to accept or reject, even if he had hidden his ego under the cloak of arrogance. And the utter shock on her face, her confusion so complete she could not find a thing to say.

He leaned back and let his head bang against the wall.

Idiot.

Taking care of her on the planet after the shuttle crash had affected him much more deeply than he had realized. Holding her had felt wonderful, of course it had, the stolen moment a sweet reminder of what was waiting for them back on Earth. But the risks he was taking to bring that future here sooner rather than later were too great, too crude. Not like him at all.

What in the world was he hoping to achieve with his little speech? Did he actually expect her to agree with him? Admit that, yes, she fantasized about him too and sleeping together was a brilliant idea that would definitely solve all their problems and, gee, how hadn’t she ever thought of that herself when it was practically written in the book of ‘How to stop lusting after your goddamn commanding officer’?!

Another bang on the hard surface and the lift came to a halt, the doors opening to bring him face to face with his security officer. Of all the people who could have witnessed his moment of weakness, Ayala was the one he trusted most. 

“Just the man I was coming to see. Got a minute, Commander?”

“Sure. Let’s walk.”

The chance to focus on something else than his mixed feelings couldn’t have come at a better moment. Ayala’s calm presence and steady tone were soothing in itself, and by the time they reached engineering, the troubles on deck four had been dealt with and, in the process, Chakotay’s turbulent thoughts had found a temporary peace. But as they were finishing, Kathryn’s voice traveled through his combadge and his pulse spiked again.

“Captain to the Commander. Do you have dinner plans? We should discuss our strategy with the Liyiara before tomorrow.”

He frowned, then forced himself to relax. 

There was no hidden meaning in her call. This was their life. Despite the ever-churning undercurrents of their personal relationship, their duties remained the same. The galaxy didn’t stop spinning because of one heated argument. The ship and the crew still needed them, and any personal matters would come second to their mission. Nothing had changed.

“No plans, Captain. I’ll be there at 1900.”

He tapped the com silent, smiling to himself. Then he glanced to his side.

Ayala’s expression stayed indifferent, but he knew the man well enough.

“Not a word, Mike.”

“I didn’t say anything!”

“Not a word,” Chakotay warned again.

For being such a quick grin, it sure was cheeky.

“Heard nothing, said nothing.”

∞

The table was set when he arrived – without the candles, he noticed – and Kathryn seemed to be her usual, balanced self. Briefly, but firmly, she said they would continue with their private issues later, but that this evening was reserved for business. 

He agreed. Even though he was somewhat disappointed that she would so easily move on from his rather passionate speech and intimate suggestion, a formal dinner suited him well. At least they were still talking.

On the outside, everything appeared normal. The conversation flowed on, plans were made and details settled with the same ease and efficiency as always, and beneath that polite, calm surface rippled the familiar tension they had lived with for years, a flame they had learned to keep under tight control. But as the evening proceeded, it became clear that something had changed.

Her slender fingers seemed even more sensual than before, the way they reached for the wine glass and brought it to her lips repeatedly distracting his attention. Whenever her eyes traveled across his face or lingered on his arms and shoulders, a shiver went down his spine as if she had touched him. The air was more charged, their togetherness more alive, his awareness of her heightened to a point where even the smallest gestures, like her tongue wetting her lips or her hand pushing a lock of stray hair behind her ear, became signals his body eagerly responded to.

And once the ship’s concerns were dealt with, the tension they had tried their best to ignore was the only thing left, plain to see and impossible to dismiss, filling the room like an entity of its own, demanding to be acknowledged.

The conversation faltered, then faded. Kathryn fiddled with her fork; he downed the last of his wine. Then she lifted her gaze, a haunted, feverish glimmer in the blue of her eyes, and he swallowed hard.

He had to get out. Immediately.

With the weak excuse of needing sleep, he got up, thanked for yet another delicious meal, and headed for the door. But he didn’t get far.

“Wait.”

Her voice was a command, undisputed, and he stopped dead in his tracks. The hammering of his heart and the roar of a hundred alarms loud in his head drowned out whatever she next muttered to herself, but he recognized her expression: a decision had been made and her mind was set.

And then she spoke the most improbable line imaginable.

“In my bed. Now.”

The events that followed rolled in a whirl.

With a few steps, she was in his arms, warm and sweet and, oh, so hungry, her lips reaching up to his and her fingers undoing his jacket. And while his mind was lagging, stuck on the words ‘my bed’ and their meaning, his body electrified in a second, tuned and ready for action without question.

In between hasty kisses and tearing off each other’s clothes, they managed to stumble into her bedroom. He barely got a peek of her glorious naked curves when she was already on the bed, taking him by the waist and pulling him on top of her between her legs. Pants still around his ankles and trying not to crush her with his weight, he grunted when she guided him to her entrance and the slickness welcoming him, as if she’d been aroused and aching for him the entire dinner.

Somewhere at the back of his mind thrummed a memory that taking things slower was usually preferred, but she seemed to have everything figured out, and his opinion, if he’d had any, was not needed. As soon as his length dipped between her folds, she grabbed his behind and simply drew him inside her with furious urgency.

The ‘Oh, lord’ that dropped simultaneously from both their lips didn’t quite cut it.

Nothing he had experienced in his life came anywhere close to the sensation. Being buried inside her, hard and pulsing and burning with the need to thrust, but holding on, just to savor the precious moment. Her small, soft body beneath his, her legs wrapped around his hips, her fingers digging into his buttocks, and her face like she was flying so high she’d never touch the ground again.

The pressure in his groin growing too much to bear, he pulled back and pushed, only to stop at the wave of pleasure rushing over him so strong he had to close his eyes and pray not to come. The rapturous sound from her throat resonated within him as a firm order to go on, and he obeyed, sinking deeper into a frenzy at hearing her cry for harder and faster until there was no more he could give. Like a wild beast, he slammed into her, watching her features distort and eyelids flutter, her body tense tight as a string and her mouth open in a scream that erupted a second before he did, the quake of her release clenching around his shaft and pulling him over the edge with her.

Regaining a sense of place and time, catching their breaths with the blood still roaring in their veins, they could only stare at each other, equally shocked.

The whole thing couldn’t have lasted more than ten minutes.

Their first time, from dinner table to a magnificent joint orgasm - in ten minutes. The thought was too huge for his mind to comprehend. That didn’t happen. Things like that just didn’t happen. 

For the life of him, he couldn’t later recall which of them brought it up first, but after a short silence, they concluded a quick fuck, no matter how satisfying, couldn’t possibly be enough to get anything out of their system. In full and thorough agreement, they deemed it wisest to go for another round, just to make sure they didn’t leave the task half-done.

Set to explore every desire before dawn, to make memories that would last all the lonely years to come, the hours flowed in an ocean of bliss, every second cherished.

The softness of her neck and her shivering sigh as he sucked the spot below her ear. The fullness of her breasts against his palms and her hardened peaks in his mouth, her fingers threading into his hair as he slid a hand between her legs. The taste of her mixed with the taste of him, her quivering thighs curling around his head, her grip and cry when she came at the touch of his tongue. And the sheer joy of bending her lean body and entering her over and over again, her low moans urging him forward, the hoarse pleas demanding he go harder, the hitch and the gasp, bursting into cries of unabashed pleasure, the question of which was louder easily answered.

Standing in the shower the following morning with Kathryn sleeping in the next room, his world was still in a spin. The past, the present, and the future shifting and reforming. His wishes suddenly a reality, fantasies turned into facts, the happiness he once thought would never be now here and soon history. And a seed of understanding that he would have to go through hell to find anything resembling peace. 

Drying himself, his combadge chirped and dragged him back to his responsibilities.

He’d intended to bring her breakfast in bed, kiss her and wish her good morning, then put on his best smile telling her she had nothing to regret and nothing to worry because whatever she decided would not change his commitment to his duties or to her. But when he briefly pressed his lips to her forehead and told her he was needed in engineering and they could talk later, in his heart he was relieved he could postpone that final judgement a while longer and hold on to the illusion of happiness before it was ripped from him.

B’Elanna wrinkled her nose at him from a distance.

“Long night, huh?” she said and when he didn’t catch her meaning, she tapped her nose. “Klingon senses. The shower didn’t help, her scent is all over you. I was going to congratulate you, but since you don’t look too thrilled, I’m guessing it’s still too early for that.”

He didn’t bother with a reply.

Striding down the corridor, he was painfully aware of what Kathryn had warned him about. The glances cast his way were too pronounced to be a coincidence, the whispers and giggles when he passed by almost insulting. Added with Tuvok’s exceptionally stoic look, Tom’s shameless innuendo, and Harry’s inability to meet his eyes, Chakotay was ready to make a ship-wide announcement for everyone to mind their own business.

Then she walked in.

Her steps were light, her hips swinging, and her greeting to everyone present cheerful and bright. Feeling the lack of sleep and the all-night workout aching in his muscles, he took one look at her energy and admitted defeat. Evidently, hours of sex at the expense of rest suited her better than him. And the further the shift proceeded, the clearer it became that she would have no trouble dealing with the physical and emotional consequences of their casual fling when he, on the other hand, would suffer like never before.

If only they hadn’t been so perfect together. If only she hadn’t exceeded all his fantasies. If only he hadn’t felt so intolerably happy waking up with her arm around him. If everything had been… less, as he had assumed, then maybe, maybe, he would have been able to lock up his affection again. But now, with the newly gained knowledge throbbing in his mind, reminding him of all he would be losing, finding a way back felt too difficult on his own.

At the end of the shift, he gathered his courage and entered her ready room, finding her half-sitting on her desk with a PADD in hand. He froze, the image he had painted for her the day before rising to his mind. Sweeping the desk clean, ridding their clothes, and bending her on the surface beneath him, the possibility not so far-fetched anymore.

“Yes, Commander?”

“I was… I was wondering if maybe we should…”

He never got to finish his suggestion of talking like reasonable adults he still believed they were, because Kathryn interrupted, placing the PADD down.

“I agree. We should do it again.”

“We should what?”

Why was his brain so slow with her?

“Last night. We should do it again. I’m not all that convinced I got everything out as I had hoped. We were in a bit of a hurry, lord knows why.”

Her face was serious, her voice like she was discussing duty rosters.

“S… sure. Why not,” he said, without a single clue why she would suggest such a thing, but sharp enough not to question his incredible luck.

The rest of the shift went on in a haze but, as settled, two hours later they were back in her quarters, only this time with the mutual agreement to take things slow.

Really, truly slow.

And if the previous night had left his heart aching, this one tore it to shreds.

Her palms on his bare chest were even more wonderful than he remembered, her soft caresses a gateway to heaven. Her fingers at the back of his neck invited him down into a deep, unhurried kiss and her lips parted for him, welcoming his tongue inside like he was coming home. Every piece of clothing he removed from her, he sent out a silent prayer of gratitude; every kiss he planted on her warm skin, he thanked the universe for the miracle of her existence.

That this amazing woman would want him, moved him to the core. That she would not only accept his touch, but reveled in it, molded into him when he kissed her, sighed in contentment when his mouth descended between her legs, looked at him with desire and trust when he pushed his hard length inside her. The arch of her back, the impatience of her hips, and the sounds from her throat conveying her utmost pleasure; these were the drugs he would crave forever more.

Hoping to express what he couldn’t with words, he kissed her neck, lips, and lids in worship, then pulled her thigh up to his waist and ground his hips to hers, needing to be as close to her as possible. But the new angle intensified the sensations, bringing him dangerously near to the end of his self-control, and he grunted, easing up and taking a steadying breath to gather himself. 

Her objection was immediate. Nails digging into his flesh and an instant curse rising from her throat, he didn’t need more to know the deal to take things slow had been canceled.

Without thinking or a plan, he pinned her wrists above her head and spread her legs wider, lightheaded that he could actually do this to her, not just dream it. She sucked in a breath, but said nothing, only stared at him, eyes dark with lust and anticipation. Reassured by her response, he cupped her breast and pinched her nipple, then leaned close to her ear and whispered how incredibly beautiful she was, right now, in his arms and under his command. 

The ‘please’ from her trembling lips was his undoing.

Burning to see her climax and to succumb to his own, he pushed into her with renewed vigor. Each thrust sharper than the last, eyes locked with hers, he murmured his love and his passion and all the things he wanted to do to her if given the chance, lifting her arousal higher and higher until she was writhing in his hold, chanting his name like her only salvation, and coming apart with a torrent of spasms ripping through her body. 

Witnessing her pleasure multiplied his own into a brilliance. Balls tight and desperate for release, he thrust once, twice more and the red hot ecstasy exploded in his groin, surged along his length and burst deep inside her, leaving him weak and dizzy, shivering with the aftershocks, tears stinging behind his eyelids. 

She was perfection he never knew existed.

They made love all through the night, dozing off only to wake up and come together again, and by the time he followed her to a deep, peaceful dream, he knew he was totally, absolutely, thoroughly screwed.

The morning was a repetition of the previous morning.

He woke up earlier than she did, got up quietly, and left her sleeping. With one leg out of the covers and an arm tucked beneath the pillow, she looked so serene he could have stayed there watching her for an eternity. 

After a shower, he ordered a fresh uniform from the replicator and, in an impulse, a red rose. Hesitating whether the gesture was too mushy, too sentimental after something that wasn’t supposed to mean more than a release of sexual tension, he quickly placed the flower on the bedside table and left, not to give himself a chance for regret.

Whether Kathryn truly was such a good sleeper or if she was merely pretending to avoid an early morning confrontation, didn’t really matter. They would see each other soon enough and talking was inevitable. Not that he was looking forward to it. 

Without conscious thought, his feet led him to the mess hall. He registered the curious glances thrown his way, but didn’t care. He noticed Neelix approaching to start a chat, but turned his back. For once, he wanted to be left alone. He gathered breakfast on his plate, poured coffee into his cup, and moved to sit at a corner table with his dark thoughts.

What a big fucking mess. All because of her guilt for a little cuddling on an icy planet and his need to prove there was no problem with being in lust and in love with each other.

No problem? Ha. The problems formed a mountain so huge he couldn’t see beyond it no matter which angle he tried.

Telling her the truth: that these two nights with her had been the most satisfying of his life; that he wanted nothing more than to be with her now instead of an undefined future that might never come; that he sincerely believed their togetherness would not only bring themselves fulfillment, but would also benefit the entire crew because happiness boosts creativity so they might even get home faster if… No, none of that was an option. The last thing he wanted was for her to feel pressured to make a decision she didn’t want to make.

Then again, continuing to act like he was okay with rebuilding their professional distance and waiting patiently to get back to Earth before moving on with their relationship was a lie too massive to deliver anymore. And what message would that send her anyway? Why would he want to keep from her exactly how much their closeness meant to him, how breathing with her, skin to skin and heart to heart was the completion of his existence?

There were no good options. He was screwed.

Later, Kathryn arrived on the bridge like the day before, her spirit light and her face glowing, making no attempt to hide she was the image of a well-sated woman, full of energy to tackle whatever challenges the Delta Quadrant would throw at her today. Even Tuvok’s eyebrows reaching his hairline and Tom’s mile-wide grin didn’t seem to diminish her shine.

Luckily, she didn’t make him wait for long. As soon as she was up to date with the reports from the night shift, made her adjustments and gave her approvals, she stood and turned to him.

“A moment in my ready room, Commander?”

His steps were leaden, his chest tight. The sound of the doors closing behind him like a swish of an ax, delivering his death blow.

She walked straight to the upper level, sat down on the couch, and curled her feet under her like she was making herself comfortable for a lengthy discussion, then motioned him to join her. For a while, she regarded him with a barely concealed amusement that did nothing to lessen his anguish.

“So,” she began, biting her bottom lip. “If I’m not completely mistaken, we both found our two nights fairly enjoyable, am I right?”

It was the understatement of the millennium, but he nodded, mouth too dry to speak anyway.

“Personally, I have to say our time together surpassed all my expectations – and all my previous experiences, too – to such an extent that I wanted to make you a proposal. A new agreement to replace our old, if I may.”

His heart skipped a beat. 

“Instead of waiting for us to get home, how would you feel about setting aside specific days to continue our… private liaison?”

He stared at her for a few long seconds before finding his words. “I… I’m not sure I understand. Do you mean like fixed dates? At certain intervals?”

She nodded, but her expression remained blank.

“Like, once a year? Every six months?”

No reaction from her.

“Once a month?”

This time, the corner of her mouth definitely twitched. She glanced down at her hands folded on her lap, then looked up at him with a mischievous sparkle in her eyes.

“I was thinking more like… days of the week with an ‘N’ could be kept free for this kind of activity. Unless the ship needs us, of course.”

Weekly? Really? He frowned and fell silent, checking and counting the days in his mind.

“Just to be on the safe side,” she continued, “maybe we should add all days with a ‘D’, too.”

The big picture dawned on him ever so slowly, his heart sheltering itself, not daring to believe what his mind already knew.

Her hand came to take his with gentle understanding.

“Did you really think I’d be able to leave this and go back to how we were, Chakotay? I may be stubborn, but I’m not stupid, and it doesn’t take much to realize we can make each other happy in a way that far exceeds the risks,” she said and as the biggest smile in the history of mankind spread on his face, she added, “I love you too, you sweet, silly man, and I’m done waiting.”

In an avalanche of emotion, he cupped her face and whispered her name, searching her eyes for one last confirmation he hadn’t somehow misread her after all, then kissed her and crushed her against his chest only to kiss her again the very next second. 

Her laughter bubbled out light and free, tears of joy running down her cheeks in his fierce embrace.

“Seriously, Chakotay, what was that? Ten minutes from dinner to a shared orgasm? On top of all the other ways we’re so good together? I can’t believe you thought I’d be willing to let you go. You are mine, mister, and I intend to keep you. Forever.”

* * *


End file.
